yesterday, i interacted with a few people that each exemplified the traits of the other.
i recently switched jobs. i am now inching my way into being a server for one of my favorite restaurants in the cities.
but. as we all know. being a novice generally means you fuck up. a decent amount.
and its frustrating. there’s no doubt. its hard to completely grasp why someone can’t just get to the place we are. do their blunders illustrate their competency? well no, but sometimes its hard to remember that and realize that there are different ways to deal with people who make mistakes.
and while we all know this. while we know that the appropriate way to approach people is with consideration and understanding, its so easy to be judgmental. and to openly show this judgement.
tempting as it may be to ridicule, to put into words how shocked you are that someone else doesn’t grasp something as great as you do. to take their errors as reflection of who you aren’t.
mockery is damaging. if not for the mocked, then surely for the mocker.
there is no quicker way to damage a relationship than attempting to humiliate someone.
and this is what i realized last night.
while i have always understood this sentiment. obvious as it is. there was something about last night that clarified the importance of this understanding.
at the same moment that i had a ridiculer shitting on my existence, there was another person regarding every embarrassing mistake i made with a nonchalant shrug. fixing whatever trivial matter i had wound myself in. and simply suggesting the better approach.
the difference between how i felt at the end of the night because of this individual was shocking. their composure allowed me to find my own and disregard the animosity of the mocker.
and this whole scenario made me wonder if all it really takes is one considerate person to change an entire situation.
this is so simple. and so easy.
and i think it might be true.
no matter how many awful mistakes we make. having another person remind us that its not that bad, that the world will go on, and that youll do better next time.
is monumental.
its small. requires little effort.
but its one of the most significant realizations ive stumbled upon in the last couple of weeks.
and it reminded me. as these realizations always do. the extent to which we affect each other. the way we are inevitably tangled within another. our dramatic interconnection.
we exist as we do as a direct result of everyone else’s existence.
and remembering this is pertinent to living well.
to grow within ourselves and the world around us.
and as we remember how much we affect those we place ourselves around, we can seize this distinct opportunity we have to influence their lives in a fashion that reflects goodness.
we all appreciate consideration.
and understanding this might remind us to grant others the same courtesy.
we will never be untouched.
April 28, 2012
this is why i cant ever read more than a few pages of a good book.
i start reading.
and then all i want to do is write.
write about everything the book is inspiring inside my own head.
im reading let the great world spin. at this moment.
im only about 50 pages in.
and i love it.
how could i not? as it illuminates the turmoils of loss and loneliness that so many in this world are subjected to.
one character, corrigan, has an affinity with pain. if he can’t cure it. he takes it on. and in this way those who suffer, at least won’t be alone in their misery.
and while we might shake our head at these martyrs. those who attempt to better humanity by letting the world swallow them whole. while most of us will never understand how one can lay down their defenses just to get beaten. accepting the cruelty that life will surely cast upon them.
while the mystery of this mentality is prominent, most of us. somewhere in our hearts. can at least grasp. if only slightly. the strength in this sentiment.
while many plagues affect many people. the most hollowing of the world’s terrors is loneliness.
believing that within this large world, all the pain that is afflicted upon our hearts, must be carried alone.
but i also understand that there are a great many who cannot see the world’s pain in this way. who sympathize with few and empathize with even fewer. and when someone suffers, they watch not to see where they can help, but where the other can fail.
but these individuals are misled. they are not protected by their bubble of apathy. they are not immune to the world’s sorrow.
while the world keeps spinning regardless of our loneliness. our ability to turn away. our strife with interaction. we are never truly independent of each other.
as we share the same air, our lives also collide.
as one suffers, we all suffer.
and even as we stand away from all of those who carry the plague of anguish, we will never be untouched by their despair.
we are not sovereign entities. relying on only ourselves to exist. we are always touched by each other. we are always connected. we are always each other’s influence.
and while many turn away, they will never be free of this connection.
but. it is also because of this eternal collision that the existence of loneliness, while illogical, is also the most prominent.
to be alone while we are all together. is detrimental. for denying our responsibility to each other does not free us of the impact, it only deepens our loneliness.
we will never be alone from each other. and reminding the lonely of this fate, is where our isolation begins to end.
an echo of what we once felt
April 23, 2012
i believe in our hearts.
occasionally, i enjoy exercising my mind. i love logic. rational thought. i love arguing and solving dilemmas.
it’s for these reasons that i want nothing more than to be a lawyer. i want to find justice through complexities. assert logic through rhetoric. manipulate an outcome and find answers within the entire process.
but while i believe full-heartedly in our minds and justice, i believe so much more in our hearts.
i believe in the power of our emotions. the complications. the intensity.
i believe that as we live in our days. the way we feel about the world means more than anything else.
today, as i was searching through my old things. my old photos. keepsakes. notebooks.
i didnt remember the logical process that was attached to these memories but the way my heart felt as they were being made.
the echo of a sentiment i once had.
these shadowing feelings, these are what define my past. the heartache. the love. the appreciation. these are the sensations that imprinted themselves upon my heart. these are the impressions that outline who i once was and how i came to be.
and although we cannot honestly deny the importance of these feelings, i feel as if this denial remains habitual in our quotidian lives.
as we step through each of our moments, we so often try to silence our hearts. opting to believe that these whispers are irrational and thus, irrelevant. and we tend to dismiss our hearts in favor of our more “rational” minds. ignoring the emotional logic that exists.
and yet, as we remember the past, the most stunning realization is the impression our hearts made on our memories.
an echo of what we once felt, although perhaps subtle, never completely fades.
and while we would rather not allow our hearts to be such an influence as we exist in the present, we will never be rid of their persistence in our memories.
through nostalgia, regrets, and appreciation, our hearts will always find a way to be known. to be remembered. and to influence everything we are and will ever be.
as someone else hears our secrets.
April 14, 2012
every friday at the american refugee committee, there is a TED watching. yesterday’s was the video i last posted.
secrets.
the blog, post secret, as the creator said, is the most viewed advertisement-free blog in the world.
this is phenomenal.
why is it that we feel a sense of connection to people’s secrets?
part of me thinks that. perhaps. we feel connected to each other through our secrets because it reminds us of our shared humanity. its humbling. it removes us from our solitude. if only through the realization that someone else. somewhere. feels similar in their life as we do in ours.
and because secrets are intrinsically isolating, this moment of connection alleviates the lonely crevice that secrets carve out of our hearts.
hoping that someone else will be able to hear us. understand our pain. even minimally.
secrets hurt. they destine the keeper with a burden for as long as they’re silenced.
they encase shame. cruelty. mistakes. spite.
they erode.
they lie.
they protect.
and they are always onerous.
but the reason that we keep our secrets is sometimes more important than the secret itself.
why we’re trying to silence our emotions. deeds. words.
why we’re trying to protect your hearts.
why we’re embarrassed of our mistakes.
why we choose to bury these moments away in the back of our minds. hoping that we’re choosing the right path as we deny the existence of reality.
but that moment when we feel that connection. imagine that connection. that moment that someone else hears our words. knows our burden. that’s the moment that our secrets feel a bit less heavy.
a bit more manageable.
we as humans are connected on so many levels.
we all feel hurt. we all struggle. and we all wish to hide the parts of life that we would rather didn’t exist.
and as someone else hears our secrets. we realize that someone else can understand our hearts.
we realize that we are not as alone as we feel.
secrets.
April 13, 2012
watch this. my comments will follow.
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a slight of rejection.
April 8, 2012
there’s a certain essence to effort. and the lack there of. that cannot be overlooked.
i’ve been thinking about this in the late.
effort and rejection. and how these two mingle as a constant pair.
i’ve never been one to fear rejection. i don’t like it. it’s not pleasant. but i don’t fear and avoid it as i see many people do.
i like to think of rejection as a sting. more than a burn or a break. a slight reminder of our humility. but not so scary as to avoid what we’re hoping for all together.
when we’ve been rejected, it means that we cared enough to try. it means we put ourselves out there in a way that exposed our hearts. our vulnerability. our selves.
but when we let our fear of rejection prevent us from trying, we aren’t just losing our chance, we’re also saying that this fear of rejection is more potent than our hearts.
and it is for this reason that i believe the more hurtful feeling to be had is that of the other person. the person of whom one is avoiding being rejected.
if those around us aren’t willing to chance being rejected. if their fear of dismissal overtakes their heart, the true heartbreak falls upon the person who wasn’t given the chance to care.
and why i say this, is because it takes feeling to go out on a branch. it takes the strong desire of wanting things to be a certain way and caring enough to try to make it that way.
it means that someone cared enough to try. they didn’t let the fear of rejection keep their feelings at bay. they felt that the possibility of something. outweighed every chance of nothing: of being rejected.
and this courage illuminates the strength behind someone’s heart.
if we want something enough, we’re going to at least try to get it. there’s a tipping point for all of us. and if we are too scared to attempt to get what we want, well. maybe we just didnt hit our tipping point.
and if we don’t even care to try? what does this say for the other person? that their heart mattered less than rejection.
and although this contemplation is nothing but vague, i hope you understand the sentiment all the same.
its an honor to hold someone’s heart. regardless of what we choose to do with it.
it shows meaning. and courage. that someone would grace us with the option of either loving them
or not.
the effort and the passion that we put into life. even if it stings. is worth more than any amount of fear that can equally suffocate our way.
but.
the pain that we endure as result of lethargy costs far more than any slight of rejection.
heartbreak because someone didn’t care enough to try, is more devastating than the heartbreak from loving too much.
where one holds life, the other carries emptiness.
and it is for this reason that i will never understand the universal circumvention of rejection.
where i might face a small price for caring, another might come to understand the cold feeling of apathy because i didnt care enough.
and. no matter how hard i try to understand otherwise, the latter is the only fate i can understand fearing.
the universe is and never cant be. magnificent.
April 6, 2012
i read a quotation by a pastor that i really appreciated.
he said, “The universe seems wondrous to me, with or without God. It has powerful lines and uncompromising ways. Patience and time sit like sages on the planets, strong and impersonal. There is a stark beauty to all of this.”
and while i dont usually spend my time skimming the words of religious men, this statement stuck out for me.
“with or without god”
what religious feen would ever say “without god” in an explanation for the world?
i believe: a realistic one.
so often, religious individuals get so caught up in their own beliefs that they forget the air upon which the foundation to their thoughts was created.
they forget how much hope theyre putting into their thoughts.
they forget that their beliefs are not. fact.
by their very nature, beliefs contain the possibility of being contrary to reality.
and this preacher. by saying “with or without god” suggested that he understood his belief’s transient nature.
but, as he stated, even if his beliefs are not the Truth, the universe is still magnificent.
and it is.
i do not necessarily believe in a God.
i dont claim to know “His” existence or lack of existence, because i dont care.
for me, the universe is and never cant be.
magnificent.
its wonderful. mysterious. and beautiful.
its also terrifying. neutral. and treacherous.
and it is all of these things regardless of its origin.
this preacher allowed himself to be vulnerable by saying that his foundation could be incorrect. and in doing so, he was actually more right than anyone who doesnt see the possibility of falsehood in their own beliefs.
and while this was perhaps not his intention, his openness to his own error made me believe more heavily in what he was saying.
yes. the universe is wondrous. with or without god. this is undeniable.
and im content just believing in that.
we’ll begin tomorrow.
April 4, 2012
i wonder why we need sleep. and i truly hate the fact that i have to sleep.
im sitting here in clothes that arent mine. with hair that smells like restaurant and hairspray. teeth freshly brushed. faced lotioned and washed. and. even though my entire body is begging to sleep: im protesting.
if you remember clearly, we’ve been over this before.
we go over this a lot.
mallory says that sleep restores something-or-another-thing-that-i-need.
and einstein said that he liked to let his imagination wander while he slept.
but.
i say…that i dont want it.
i dont want to NEED it.
i want to be able to relax when i see fit. and to never be tired.
is this such a demanding request?
i just dont want to be controlled my these physical responses. it feels primitive and only reminds me that a large part of me. my foundation. is. primitive.
my thoughts. at this moment. are elsewhere.
theyre not on sleeping. and my utter need for it.
part of me is busy thinking about feeling guilty
for some of the more negative habits that i’ve been collecting.
like neglecting to do the things that i value.
and the fact that i find that over and over again i say that i need to do this-and-that more often. and then i dont really do it.
and thats one of the main reasons i dont want to go to sleep tonight.
i want to start changing some of these more unbecoming habits
sometimes. i get into these phases where all of my priorities are tipped upside down. and then i walk around for a few days.weeks.months. wondering which way im suppose to go. and how im suppose to get there. when i dont remember what has meaning and what doesnt.
this is where im at right now. and this is what ive been thinking about in the last few days.
and the worst part is that im content.
thats why i feel the most guilty. i havent been doing all these things that i want to make sure i do. and yet. im content.
and it makes me feel that much more guilty.
i need to find a moment to start dealing with these things. but i feel like as soon as i do. this nice simplicity of not thinking that i’ve been absorbed within will probably vanish along with my hedonism.
so perhaps…tomorrow. if i can lose some of the carefree apathy for a few minutes. im going to rewrite some priorities. itll be good. and itll make it easier to sleep.
well. probably not.
i probably will never stop complaining about this obligation.
but alas.
we’ll begin tomorrow.
resolutions checkup.
March 29, 2012
remember my resolutions? remember how many i had and my paradoxical feelings toward new years in general? [if not. click here and here]
well lets do a little check in to see how ive actually been doing.
because, although i know i havent fulfilled a many of my resolutions, i still think outta 10..ive done alright.
and there is still a lot of 2012 to begin some of these things and more resolutions that could be had as well.
thats optimism for ya folks!
__________________________
1. dont date until april
check! kinda.
2.finish irv’s therapy dog certification
not yet. still planning on it though…
3. read +10 minutes a day. of something enjoyable. [lsat/school stuff doesnt count].
nope….but i WILL start doing this..
4. share a quote/poem/new word a day.
we could probably scrap this…
5. start learning spanish.
um. i started..and i now i just need to continue.
6. drink coffee black
oh god…*takes a sip of creamedandsugared coffee*
7. learn to write with my left hand.
i promise ill start this..
8. visit a new geographic location every month
weeeeelll…. although this was the most fun one… i failed for both february and march.
9. cook a new recipe every week
ive missed a few weeks in here already. so i think i failed at this too.
10. write a letter everyday.
i DEFINITELY. didnt actually do this.
_____________________
okay. yeah. thats a thing.
for the ones that i didnt actually do…which is the majority of them:
i think i failed the MOST at the time sensitive ones.
because as soon as my life started eating me alive, i got caught up and forgot the little things i wanted to be doing.
i still want to try more recipes and write more letters. visit new places and share more writing in all its forms.
i really do.
but its easy to get swallowed by quotidian messes.
so. for the resolutions that are, at this moment, incomplete, lets say i take away the time aspect and just try to do them more.
because these are all things that are important to me.
and they really should be done.
could be done.
and want to be done.
im all for second chances.
and thirds and forths if we get to that.
so i believe that there’s still some hope for these resolutions.
lets check back on these in a few months
and ill let you know how the continuation of these resolutions is going.
