a tangled tree

i wonder why we need sleep. and i truly hate the fact that i have to sleep.

im sitting here in clothes that arent mine. with hair that smells like restaurant and hairspray. teeth freshly brushed. faced lotioned and washed. and. even though my entire body is begging to sleep: im protesting.

if you remember clearly, we’ve been over this before.

we go over this a lot.

mallory says that sleep restores something-or-another-thing-that-i-need.

and einstein said that he liked to let his imagination wander while he slept.

but.

i say…that i dont want it.

i dont want to NEED it.

i want to be able to relax when i see fit. and to never be tired.

is this such a demanding request?

i just dont want to be controlled my these physical responses. it feels primitive and only reminds me that a large part of me. my foundation. is. primitive.

my thoughts. at this moment. are elsewhere.

theyre not on sleeping. and my utter need for it.

part of me is busy thinking about feeling guilty

for some of the more negative habits that i’ve been collecting.

like neglecting to do the things that i value.

and the fact that i find that over and over again i say that i need to do this-and-that more often. and then i dont really do it.

and thats one of the main reasons i dont want to go to sleep tonight.

i want to start changing some of these more unbecoming habits

sometimes. i get into these phases where all of my priorities are tipped upside down. and then i walk around for a few days.weeks.months. wondering which way im suppose to go. and how im suppose to get there. when i dont remember what has meaning and what doesnt.

this is where im at right now. and this is what ive been thinking about in the last few days.

and the worst part is that im content.

thats why i feel the most guilty. i havent been doing all these things that i want to make sure i do. and yet. im content.

and it makes me feel that much more guilty.

i need to find a moment to start dealing with these things. but i feel like as soon as i do. this nice simplicity of not thinking that i’ve been absorbed within will probably vanish along with my hedonism.

so perhaps…tomorrow. if i can lose some of the carefree apathy for a few minutes. im going to rewrite some priorities. itll be good. and itll make it easier to sleep.

well. probably not.

i probably will never stop complaining about this obligation.

but alas.

we’ll begin tomorrow.