what it means to feel.
February 18, 2013
this morning, i found the words listed below amongst the scribbles of one of the few people i follow. this writer is a particular favorite of mine and the sentiment that he expressed in this poem illustrates a theme that often steals my mind.
i have read books. heard words. seen demonstrations. of the type of love that invades every aspect of ourselves.
it seeps into our bones and. for at least a portion of our moments. it resonates as the epitome of our world.
it’s intoxicating. beautiful. treacherous.
and it reminds us what it means to feel.
If there was anything other than you
I’d know it.
When walking down the street,
there are no clouds, no trees, no air.
I am not breathing. My heart is not beating.
The sidewalk has no cracks, the slushy wet snow does seep through my thin shoes.
The morning birds are not singing.
Cars do not rumble by as harried men search for the bouquets at the last minute.
Woman do not see me and I do not see them.
There is no noise, light, there is no dark.
There is only you.
And you are branded with every flavor I could taste in my waking hours,
Every scent lilting along the smog littered streets
every coy glance given and received
the crisp daylight streaming through the break in the overcast sky
the beeping trucks lifting snow
the children laughing somewhere down below an open window to the world
the sharp angles of elbows and phalanges cradle this sense in a person’s chest.
None of these things exist without the context,
of you.
every sunset follows every sunrise,
chasing the world around
looking for that place
I last saw you.
The pastel skies and cold river beds.
The boat dock sides and evergreen groves.
The skyscraper lines and country dell roads.
The cafe on Main and the in front of the flowercart on Second.
The parking esplanade and the robot spaceship.
You are none of those places;
I checked. You were gone.
But here, with me, inside this lulled heart,
a mini drumbeat sounds out the syllables of your name.
Nothing’s finer than the taste of this tortured heart.
for Everything exists by this dream of you.
…though the stars walk backward)
February 4, 2013
i was trying. for the last 18 minutes.
to describe a feeling i had a few moments ago. it was lovely. unexpected. and lived too briefly.
it reminded me of what it was to see.hear.smell.taste.feel someone’s heart.
but because everything i wrote- i deleted.
i thought i would just steal words for this one.
thanks e.e
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dive for dreams
or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots
and wind is wind)
trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)
honour the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death
away at the wedding)
never mind a world
with its villains or heroes
(for good likes girls
and tomorrow and the earth)
in spite of everything
which breathes and moves, since Doom
(with white longest hands
neating each crease)
will smooth entirely our minds
-before leaving my room
i turn, and (stooping
through the morning) kiss
this pillow, dear
where our heads lived and were.
it was a saturday.
January 25, 2013
in a couple of days, the five year anniversary of the most monumental event in my life will be upon us.
the most monumental event in a lot of people’s lives. actually.
and when i realized this and all the time that’s passed.
i didn’t actually feel one certain adjective.
but a compilation of those created by all the people that have come. gone. grown.
the circumstances that have changed
and the things that aren’t really different at all.
in the last five years. i have become a completely different person. and then reversed back to who i was.
i’ve experienced the best. and worst. moments of my life.
i loved in an unbearable way. in an obsessive way. in a sad way. in a disappointed way.
in the best way.
i’ve seen history unfold. repeat and regress.
i found a best friend. in my dog.
i’ve failed.
i’ve regretted.
i’ve lost everything.
and i’ve found a significant aspect of the world in that everything.
sometimes. it eliminates my compassion.
other times. it reminds me of how much i believe in the world.
and occasionally. it blinds me completely.
nearly five years ago. i received a phone call that i took sitting in the snow.
it was a saturday.
it started and ended in disbelief.
in the middle. the world as it is was found.
but even now:
i still miss you.
right along side me.
December 23, 2012
yesterday. while driving home from rochester. i had a notable conversation with kristen.
we were bitching about the states.
it’s really easy to do.
the way our foreign policy is far too often self-absorbed intentions wrapped in benevolent language.
how we deem it a right for everyone to have luxuries.
our excess. waste. and carelessness about anything not comforting our lives at any given moment.
i mean. it’s relatively simple to pick any aspect of our culture and proceed to tear it apart.
and then we had another idea.
what did we like about this place?
what does our culture do well?
what’s something that we actually appreciate.
this turn in conversation was remarkable.
i have proudly traveled to nearly every continent. im covering asia next year and will only have antartica after that.
kristen. at the moment. is visiting from malawi where she serves as a peace corps volunteer. and i actually met her while i was in france.
our scope of the world is not limited to our home.
and yet. we still come back.
i could have taken irving and moved to france as i planned, at 19, to do this last year. and i even told my interviewer of wednesday that the biggest thing i learned in france was how much i appreciated my home. how american i learned i actually am
and kristen. she could move her life full-time to her small village of mzuzu. or take her extraordinary teaching skills elsewhere in the world. she could touch any community she decided to settle in.
but. at this moment at least. we’re not going to do any of these things.
because there is something about this place. that we like.
the most concrete thing we landed on in the car yesterday.
was our appreciation for….freedom.
when i said it. i realized how. cliched. it. sounded.
and i didn’t even mean to say the one adjective every other “patriotic” individual declares. “america the free! protect our freedom” yadayada.
but freedom does describe what i really like about this place.
our ability to be whatever we want to be.
there are social restraints. of course. but all of these limitations are expanding faster than we could ever hope.
we as a culture. even without our government telling us to. have created a firm moral foundation where kindness justice and acceptance should be our be all.
and when we look at a situation. even if we have to look at it over and over again. these are the adjectives that we’re searching for.
we have so many family structures. and we accept them all as doable.
we have kinky groups. polyamorous groups. homosexual groups. every type of religious group.
you can switch your profession any.time.you.want.
you can wear little to no clothing on a daily basis. or dress like a man when you’re a woman. a woman when you’re a man.
we can oppose the government.
we can love whatever. and whomever. we want.
we can hate whatever we want and write blasphemous things about our animosity.
we can control our sexuality. our bodies. tattoo every surface of ourselves. dance on stage and strip.
we can define our gender.
and we can decide who we want our “i” to be.
and while there are inevitable restrictions in place that try to stifle any of these declarations of individualism. we actively fight to stretch the boundaries.
because this is what our culture is.
when i have traveled, so many people have told me that we in the states don’t have a culture.
we’re just this compilation of crazy. thrown into a large geographical area.
but i’ve never believed this.
because we do have one.
we declare the importances of individualism. and are constantly opening new ways for each person to express themselves. and the best part is how different every person chooses to do so.
i in no way am excusing the problems we have. sweeping them under a rug and celebrating our awesomeness.
but i decided a very long time ago. that i believe enough in what we are. to work through our hangups. to struggle against the negative adjectives of our culture.
in the car yesterday, we ended our trip in the midst of this conversation.
i dropped kristen off at her parents house. and she proceeded into her last week visiting before she goes back to malawi.
and. selfishly. i’m content knowing that she will be coming back home if not next year. then soon.
because. like me. she sees this crazy-filled geographical area as her home.
regardless of where we end up. she will be working to make this place better. strengthen our openness.
right along side me.
this. will always be a choice.
June 28, 2012
love conquers hate.
i bought a shirt at pride this last weekend. this is what it says.
and i sometimes wonder if this is actually true.
no matter how much we want it. no matter how much we love love. it’s sometimes hard to pick love over hate.
i find myself in this predicament more times than i would like to admit.
i have a friend whom i respect deeply. and she is one of the kindest people i know. and while i don’t believe her soul is any “better” than mine, i do believe that she actively chooses to be nice more often than i do. every time a choice enters our mind, we have the ability to choose love over hate.
and while this friend rarely struggles between the two, i often find myself in that limbo.
my friend. to me. is admirable. she doesn’t boast about her ability to choose kindness, she just does. she is lovely. in the true sense of the word. and from time to time, i wonder how i can be more like her.
i often find myself with walls higher than i or anyone else can climb. with a defense made of hard words, barbed wire, and cold eyes. i often deliver sass and condescension as a statement of boldness while it too often is interpreted as brashness. and i don’t think twice about what these things bring to and restrict from my life.
leading me to wonder:
how is it possible to believe that loves conquer hate if i so often struggle between the two?
i understand the humanity that lies within this question. and thankfully i see the potential as well.
love will conquer hate when we choose for it to. when we consciously pick goodness over defensiveness. when conversations contain more positivity than destructiveness.
the world is only as beautiful as we allow it to be.
and this:
this, we must remember, will always be a choice.
more people should be like this.
March 14, 2012
have you heard of joel runyon?
i stumbled upon him a while back and liked what i found.
this is a guy who spends his time doing the impossible. anything he thinks he cant do, he tries to do it.
and i like this. a lot.
i’m a dedicated fan of motivation and everyone who likes it too.
it’s better than the contrary:
when i feel unmotivated, i tend to spend a lot of time watching random tv shows and being overall bummed out about the deadend nature of existence.
but when i have things i want to do, when i feel motivated,
there’s an unlimited number of wonderful things i can throw myself into.
it’s a lovely way to be.
so check him out:
more people should be like this.
irving gordon.
February 19, 2012
this blog might be long overdue.
this is irving gordon. he’s my dog. he is black and big and lovely. and he’s kinda my best friend.
i went to pick irv up on june 9th 2008 after thinking long and hard about the dog i wanted to get (i had decided on june 8th 2008 that i wanted my own dog. yup. long. and hard).
he was the last puppy. and all he did was grunt.
and now. he is no longer a puppy but a great giant dog that holds my heart like no one else ever could.
_______________________________
his 2nd birthday. (my 21st).
his 3rd birthday. (my 22nd).
(we have the same birthday. really).
_______________________________
this is irving gordon.
_______________________________
he is lovingly large.
_______________________________
<3
thrilled on thursday.
November 10, 2011
so yesterday was wild on wednesday. and i completely forgot. and if you read below, my post actually kinda screamed “existential crisis continued”…pretty much the opposite of “something youre wild about”.
and for this reason, i decided to write a thrilled on thursday instead! [i hope you appreciated my corny play of words]
i am thrilled: to have good friends. [and the corny continues].
but seriously. i am. i have about a dozenish or more people who make my life lovely. i feel closer to them than anyone and i couldnt imagine my life without their beautiful faces [or as one of these great people said to me yesterday: "if we were any closer we would have to be having sex"...lol. [literally. i laughed out loud when i heard this.]
so these people who grace my days. its like the world was created just so we could be friends.
as you all probably have come to understand: ive been really stressed lately and ive spent a great deal of time trying to get to the bottom of my stress. figure out why its there. where its coming from. and its been difficult at times. its hard when you rationally understand something but your mind is completely reacting in the opposite way. its hard to remind yourself to stop and validate your feelings instead of ostracizing them because they arent “rational” enough. and these people. my friends. have been there to remind me of this. when i just need someone to listen. to acknowledge me. and actually try to help when i ask for direction.
and although i appreciate this so so very much. these people mean the world to me not just because they are there when i need an ear and advice. its also because of who they are. they are each so different and so themselves. and so lovely. as another beautiful soul said in the late: “we need people in our lives that love us for who we are, not only for how we make them feel.” so in grabbing this sentiment, i have to admit that i cant help but love these individuals to pieces.
they are my rocks. my hearts. my source of laughter and love.
and im thrilled.
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remember. this is only A FEW of the loved. some of us REALLY need to take some photos together.
my tear for you.
October 5, 2011
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one the of best people ive ever known died today.
and while i sat bathing in the sorrow that this passing brought, i contemplated this aspect of crying for someone else.
the amount of sympathy and perhaps, empathy, that’s wrapped within a single tear for another person is resounding and allows us, in yet another way, to connect with another life. to bridge the crevice that makes us unique while it divides us.
today, the tears i spilled, the tears many people cried, reminded us of the sadness of this moment, but also the goodness that can radiate from a single individual. the happiness that just one person can bring so many lives.
although my heart hurts, its also stunned by the sure amount of wonderment a truly good person can provide the world. and the love that each one of my personal raindrops contains.
so this is to you, jean.
remembered.
September 11, 2011
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the sorrows of today are dedicated to those who are lost and those who have lost.
when i woke up this morning. I could not shake the familiar burden of remembrance as we go through our days with a pocket of loss built into our hearts. its days like today that we are able to remember how and why that loss came to be.
i dont know a single name of those who were lost 10 years ago because of misguided individuals who believed that change stems from hate. but i feel forever bound to those who feel the pang of loss.
today. my heart goes to the world. to the hollow place within all of us that aches for something once had.
we are all connected through our attachment to this life. to the feelings that wrap us into each others hearts. into each others beings.
So today is remembered. For thousands of people. For moments of sorrow. For the strengthened hold this world has on our minds and our hearts.
and especially for those who are lost and for those who have lost.
