June 5, 2012
i’m not good at forgiving.
i harbor. and i remember. and i dont really let go.
i might stop caring.
i might momentarily forget.
but i myself rarely completely forgive.
i heard once that forgiveness is accepting that we cant change the past. and although this sentiment echoes true, i cant help but hold out a small amount of resentment because of it.
i couldnt tell you why i bind myself to this exceptionally taxing fate.
and while i do truly wish i could habitually forgive, my trust ineffably does not run that deep.
i believe that people can change. and that their mistakes can make them better people. that occasionally, we allow the worst part of ourselves to make our decisions and that this fact does not drive the true humanity in who we are.
but. for each moment that my heart is betrayed. that my trust is damaged. that words have been said that were probably never needed.
for every lie, cross, treachery: a piece of my heart is taken away and hidden in a place that the agent of these acts will never be able to find. to this end, my heart can never be. completely. broken
my callousness leads part of me to believe that at certain times forgiveness is blind. a rationalization for the way we wish things were. that so very often, forgiveness is naive.
but of those who can forgive easily. who want to. who dont have to fight against everything they are to rid themselves of the burden that grudges bestow upon us: i am envious
i understand it is also naive to believe the past can be changed.
and in this regard, my naivety is bottomless.
i dream of moments being erased. of regrets becoming unwound. and of words being unspoken.
and over the years, i have misleadingly come to trust in the strength of resentment and the power that it holds.
and while our most prized mentors of history have believed in the genuineness that is unique to forgiveness. that resides in nothing but this phenomenon.
i have struggled to accept their convictions.
i dont believe that i am alone in this as true forgiveness is in itself, rare.
but i do believe in its existence. and with that. i can hope that i will learn to accept the unchangeable nature of the past.
the weak can never forgive. forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Gandhi