December 13, 2011
mallory just told me something lovely. about sleep. and its importance.
and yet. it is 1:26. and i am awake. i already fell asleep once. woke up. went to my bed. and tried to fall asleep again. but alas. i am here. not sleeping. and writing. this night sans much sleep actually began in my journal. which i have to say, has been lonely lately–ignored for my posts. i scream, throw fits, and breakdown in my journal, but i dont give it the pleasure of listening to me unwind. of thinking through the world calmly.
so tonight, ive been writing about grace. about living with grace. and while lying in bed, counting the stars in your eyes, i stumbled upon a realization that brought about that sense of completion that i can hate and love all at the same time. hate because it means change. love because i know its right. one of the answers i found by living the questions. or so i hope thats what ive been doing.
and i began:
“im a writer. this is what we do. we write. i was lying in bed. thinking about my disillusion with sleep. my disenchantment. thinking about things. not in the way i have been. because my thoughts have changed a bit. my thoughts are always changing. its an ever going circle. im going to begin an open letter.
‘dear whomever this may concern,
over the past week ive been thinking. this is what i do. i think. i spend countless hours throughout the day and into the night thinking about things that i dont know if ill ever understand. and then i write. thousands of words. upon thousands of words. and right now, thats what im doing.
there are many people in this world that are good people.
[you are one of them]
deep in their heart. i see the potential for love and hope. and all the other good things about the world. compassion. consideration. i believe that when i look at them. just like when i caught your eyes. on that one nicely memorable day. i believe that they want to live these things. but often, i dont think they are. i dont think they live with grace.
although their hearts are large, their eyes are closed.
when i first started this, i was naive, as i often am, but you were as well. its so easy to not see the people in front of you for who they are.
i live deeply. and to a lot of people, thats crazy. sometimes i forget my boundaries. often times i forget my boundaries. but my love for the world is amongst the strongest ive ever known. and sometimes i forget myself.
but when i stepped back. i realized the deep sense of lost that radiates from your heart.
i dont mean to be condescending. i really dont. because im lost too. im lost 99% percent of my day. but. the difference i see is that im actively trying to find my way. im trying to find who i am. where i stand in the world and where i want to stand. why i want to be there and where the most important place is for me to be.
but the most important thing ive found, the thing i believe in more than anything else.
is living with grace.
this is what i strive toward. and as i look into the eyes of many, i see potential as it strains to leave their souls. but i also see the wall they put up to keep the world out. and in doing so, they trapped themselves in.
and my love for you. my unconditional love. gives and will give. you nothing but patience.
because my eyes as well were closed. for many years. for most of my years. and even today, when im not careful, when im not paying attention. ill find that somewhere between breakfast and lunch. lunch and dinner, my eyes slipped shut. that i was being selfish and thinking only of myself. complete with good intentions.
but without those intentions looking toward the world, they do nothing for the world.
and this is what i mean by living with grace.
living with your eyes open. with love. with compassion. with patience and understanding.
to live with elegance.
i understand that you are trying to find yourself. that you might not see yourself as strong. but remember that even if you dont always see your goodness, i do.
my heart is mine. but my love. is yours.
my most sincerely: