March 2, 2012
im not sure what time it is. i know its probably later than i want it to be while im writing a post.
i make a conscious effort not to look at the clock when i know its past my bedtime. if im not counting down the seconds until i will only get 7 hours of sleep…6 hours and 55 minutes of sleep…6 hours and 50 min of sleep…(you get the picture), ill be less tired tomorrow.
but to be honest, ill probably still be tired tomorrow.
i read on some stumbled website once that as adults, we’re always at least a little bit tired.
this my friends, i think might be true.
everyone i talk to seems just a little bit tired. always.
no matter how much sleep we could get, its as if the world itself is too exhausting to ever be fully rested.
but regardless of how much we dream about sleep throughout our day, as soon as we lie down, ready to take in the world of slumber, everything that we could be thinking about will pop into our heads. ready to occupy our sleeping time.
thats whats going on for me right now.
today was. remarkable.
its march first lovelies.
i think this might be one of my favorite days of the year.
even though it snowed today. even though there is a layer of ice on our nice minnesota sidewalks and roads. even though all of the snow and gross and wet just reminds me that its going to start flooding really really soon.
i dont really mind.
because its march 1st.
and winter is finally coming to a close. it makes me so happy i kinda wanna cry a little bit.
i tell myself and everyone around me that i love winter. that i couldnt live without it. that a world without seasons is like a world without goodness.
but when i register how god damn happy i am that this god awful experience is soon (knock on wood) going to be over, i think i might have just been lying to myself and everyone else.
i want sunshine. i want light jackets and breezy days. i want to wear flats. and sandals. and i want beaches.
and today. although snowy and wet and disgusting. provided a little bit of that.
i began a new chapter in one of my most cherished relationships. i loved my best friend a bit more. i realized how well i actually know myself after months of existentially wondering who i am. i made new friends. i finally understood what it means to share a piece of heart with someone while i also began to understand how much they actually care. and i also learned a few valuable life lessons.
really. all in one day.
and now i cant help but realize that i appreciate today so much more than i thought i would when i woke up this morning.
which makes me wonder if every day has this much potential. and to be honest, i really feel like it does. no matter how pessimistic i can be, especially when im tired, i know with all that i am that every day can be everything we could ever dream of. and luckily, that was my today.
and with that little bit of goodness, i feel like this winter can now comfortably. come to a close.
spring can grace us with her presence. and we can forget that winter even exists.
and perhaps more moments like those of today will find their way into my life.
[i hope they will].
February 28, 2012
i’m not good at letting go.
i hold on. hold out. for the possibility of perhaps.
i would rather be eternally disappointed than let go.
but. i’ve realized that after so many days of waiting. after tears spilled in vain. and after too many moments of maybe. that this is a skill that i need.
and i hate it.
i think i’ve been avoiding learning how to give up because somehow the sadness that goodbye offers weighs so much more than being inevitably let down. Because with every disappointment, there’s still hope that it can be okay again.
and letting go, while it offers the promise of healing, also promises an extraordinary amount of heartbreak.
i realized today to what extent i was holding on to hopeless hopes. wishing reality wasnt true. wanting to wait for that moment when someone else is just how you wish they would be.
and i also realized how much energy it took to wait. to hold on. and how much the disappointment. actually. hurt.
i inevitably wait for those who break my heart to also fix it. to make amends in some small way. to make the hurt they inflicted somehow better. i wait for my heartbreakers to undo their damage. And i dont want to let go of the hope that they will. that they’ll realize their mistake. how much i mean to them. and help me make my heart whole once more.
i know i’m not alone in this.
so many of us are holding out hope for someone else. for something else. and when we stop to see how things actually are, we realize that our hope is in vain.
we dismiss reality. bathe in the disappointment. while imagining how perfect the moment we’re waiting for will be.
we have to learn to let go.
learn how to accept the world instead of ignoring a reality we wish weren’t true.
because for every moment that we wait for the heart breaker to come unbreak our heart, we ourselves remain nothing but broken.
letting go is sad. it’s heartbreaking. and it means that we have to suffer.
but its honest.
and it provides the only method for being completely whole once more.
And while it deserves every tear that falls. letting go also deserves our gratitude. For allowing us to move forward with life as it is.
Not just life as we wish it existed.
December 31, 2011
every year i wonder if i should enjoy new years eve more.
and every year i say that i probably should but i dont think i can.
before you realize that im an unsatiable cynic, let me explain:
it seems that so many people see the new year as a new chance. to do something they wanted to do before but just havent. to bury the bad under the hope for something better. a chance to have whatever they were trying to get before.
and i just cant help but see this day and the morrow a bit differently.
i see the turn of the year as a reminder. that time is moving faster than we could have ever imagined it moving. a moment to stop and breathe. take in what could be and what was.
but its not a chance. it doesnt offer any hope that every other day of the year doesnt offer. And for so many people it actually breeds a unique type of disappointment. grand plans that dont just come about because the year fell into another.
and i dont want this disappointment. i try to avoid all forms of discontent in future aspirations like the plague.
but before i get too far ahead of myself…i should explain why i made resolutions if i dont want to set myself up for failure.
…i dont know why i did.
i just cant help myself.
even though i feel like i have to realize that there is no magic in new years, i also have to hold out the little bit. the smidgen. of hope that underneath all of my cynicism, i believe in turning over a new leaf and bringing about change. regardless of how arbitrary the day on which this occurs truly is.
so in the back of my mind. while tisking new years for being a big fat disappointment in a sequined disguise….i have to hope just a wee bit that some things will actually change for the better.
and this is why i dont enjoy new years. because it brings about the internal dilemma that i want to believe in everything that new years could be. and logically what i realize im setting myself up for.
hmmm. the eternal dichotomy of hope and disappointment
and us, the cynical optimists. are again faced with another perplexing scenario.
happy new years eve, world. thank you for existing in all of your disappointing. contradicting. hopeful. ways.