what it means to feel.
February 18, 2013
this morning, i found the words listed below amongst the scribbles of one of the few people i follow. this writer is a particular favorite of mine and the sentiment that he expressed in this poem illustrates a theme that often steals my mind.
i have read books. heard words. seen demonstrations. of the type of love that invades every aspect of ourselves.
it seeps into our bones and. for at least a portion of our moments. it resonates as the epitome of our world.
it’s intoxicating. beautiful. treacherous.
and it reminds us what it means to feel.
If there was anything other than you
I’d know it.
When walking down the street,
there are no clouds, no trees, no air.
I am not breathing. My heart is not beating.
The sidewalk has no cracks, the slushy wet snow does seep through my thin shoes.
The morning birds are not singing.
Cars do not rumble by as harried men search for the bouquets at the last minute.
Woman do not see me and I do not see them.
There is no noise, light, there is no dark.
There is only you.
And you are branded with every flavor I could taste in my waking hours,
Every scent lilting along the smog littered streets
every coy glance given and received
the crisp daylight streaming through the break in the overcast sky
the beeping trucks lifting snow
the children laughing somewhere down below an open window to the world
the sharp angles of elbows and phalanges cradle this sense in a person’s chest.
None of these things exist without the context,
of you.
every sunset follows every sunrise,
chasing the world around
looking for that place
I last saw you.
The pastel skies and cold river beds.
The boat dock sides and evergreen groves.
The skyscraper lines and country dell roads.
The cafe on Main and the in front of the flowercart on Second.
The parking esplanade and the robot spaceship.
You are none of those places;
I checked. You were gone.
But here, with me, inside this lulled heart,
a mini drumbeat sounds out the syllables of your name.
Nothing’s finer than the taste of this tortured heart.
for Everything exists by this dream of you.
forever kind of true.
January 26, 2013
in the last couple of years. i’ve stretched into a very different person. well. at least it sometimes feels like that.
i hope to be a little less self-absorbed than i was then. i hope to be wiser. i hope that everything i learned found a distinct place to exist. so that i won’t forget it.
but.
as i was reading my old posts. i came across one that surprised me a bit.
even if i know more now. the sentiment that i expressed in these words rings a forever kind of true.
they reminded me of who i was. who i’ve always been. and who i hopefully always will be.
______________________________________
at this moment, im looking for tattoo ideas. i know what-ish i want. where i want it..what it will look like. but i dont yet know the words that are going to fill it. (of course there will be words).
i know i want something out of the history of love. because this book is my soul. it took my heart prisoner as soon as i opened its cover and only when i read it do i truly feel whole.
as i was looking through lines from the book, i came across one that made my stomach and heart lurch together while my eyes simultaneously ached to drip:
“When you are young, you think it’s going to be solved by love. But it never is. Being close — as close as you can get — to another person only makes clear that impassable distance between you.
‘If being in love only made people more lonely, why would everyone want it so much?’
Because of the illusion. You fall in love, it’s intoxicating, and for a little while you feel like you’ve actually become one with the other person. Merged souls and so on. You think you’ll never be lonely again.”
i dont know exactly what grabs me. every word syllable and period? probably. its sad. its true. and its lovely.
and although i love love. i love everything about it. there will always be a tiny part of me that whispers “hold onto this moment. for everything ends.” is this pessimistic? hopeless? i dont know. maybe its perfect.
if i can memorize the curve of your face, that spark in your eye, the scent of your voice: then ill always have the moments of love that inevitably fall into the lonely distance of forever.
ill have them in my heart.
and maybe with these moments trapped in our minds, maybe then we’ll never be lonely.
and i wonder if then we would be able to. actually. see people
November 21, 2012
i just watched cloud atlas.
it was mind-altering. and phenomenal.
and to be honest. i still can’t wrap my mind completely around it.
but it did remind me of a few notable things.
like the concept of forever.
eternity.
and also that of love.
while this film left much to be interpreted.
above all else: it emphasized the strength and value of love
declaring love as forever.
and that throughout each of our lives.
and into the next.
love exits.
which makes me wonder if it actually does.
i don’t know if i can subscribe to this belief completely.
but that doesn’t keep me from wondering what eternal love would look like.
personally. i think it could. exist i mean.
but i also believe that we are often so caught up in life, that even if that kind of love ran right into us, we would be so concerned about ourselves, that we probably wouldn’t see it.
our insecurities and wondering how we are suppose to interact with people. events. etc. prevent love from happening.
and believing that this hangup exists, forces me to wonder what it would be like if it vanished.
what if we talked about the things that we keep silent in fear of what they would sound like.
what if we loved as openly as we wished everyone around us would.
and what if we didn’t worry so much. about rejection. failure. and looking stupid.
i wonder if we would be able to love clearer.
and i wonder if then we would be able to. actually. see people.
because by hiding our hearts and ourselves, we’re not only preventing others from knowing who we are, we also become so preoccupied with hiding ourselves, that the very notion of experiencing someone else ceases to exist.
and maybe when we are able to shed this terrible habit, maybe then that eternal love. that forever feeling. would actually stand a chance.
in the movies, it’s easy. we know that people love each other. that they’re suppose to be together.
and in real life. not so much.
but if we don’t at least try…well. then we ensure a never occurring fate.
it shouldn’t be surprising that my opinion is to love openly and freely. and then hurt just as openly and freely.
for i would rather be rejected every single day. than be silenced.
but it is in this way that we can fight for eternal love.
and it’s that forever i believe in trying for.
i wonder if there was a misstep.
November 18, 2012
when i find myself in an existential type of dilemma, i realize i always drift to camus.
vivez au point des larmes. je ne connais qu’un devoir ce celui d’aimer. au milieu de l’hiver, j’ai découvert en moi un invincible été. l’homme est la seule créature qui refuse d’être ce qu’elle est.
each and every one of his words remind me of the place i often come back to to find solace.
i have always felt particularly drawn to this philosopher.
but the other moment, i stumbled upon a realization. and it made me pause.
camus believed heavily in the importance of love. optimism within a very pessimistic world. he dejected nihilism. and reassured himself of the importance of living even at the darkest moments in his life.
but he also struggled with exhibiting true devotion to other people.
to be happy, we must not be too concerned with others.
he said.
he also cheated repeatedly on each of his wives. and detested the concept of marriage. after his second marriage he even insisted to his friends that he was not one who should ever have married.
and while i obviously do not have first hand experience with albert camus’ life.
and even though i believe deeply in his principles. his thoughts and ideas.
i have to say that i disagree with him on this one.
i know. so very well. how difficult it is to coincide closely with people we hope to love.
i understand the struggles and the fights we have with ourselves over this form of connection.
but in a very real way. its important.
there is something monumental about connection. finding another to be our equal. loving someone deeply.
and while it will always prove difficult.
it is not to be disregarded.
i personally have never been able to practice this myself.
i have never done well with relationships.
but that does not mean that i do not see their significance.
we as people. crave. affection.
we feel whole when we are validated by someone else’s heart.
but the level of intimacy relationships necessitate doesn’t conclude there.
it’s work. it’s hard. and it takes great deal of trust.
and in the end, there is a large chance that you will be crushed. broken. and devastated.
this is the inevitable point that all relationships reach.
and that’s okay.
camus became the philosopher he was arguably because of situations of which i am quite familiar.
he was surrounded by the dark aspects of the world at a very young age.
and somewhere along the way, he found that being concerned with others ensured our own unhappiness.
i don’t believe it is always that simple.
for i can’t imagine creating meaning for our lives without this concern.
i still regard camus as my philosophical guiding light.
but i also wonder if there were aspects to his philosophy that were clouded.
i wonder if there was a misstep in his thoughts.
i do not blame him if there was. or discredit him in any way shape or form.
but this question leads me to carve a slightly different theory on what will create meaning within our absurd world.
and evidently. this is where my thoughts on the subject end for the day.
and inevitably, it does.
March 8, 2012
grudgingly, i came to terms with a story.
this past january, i read a book that destroyed a small piece of my heart.
every time i thought about it, i would fall to pieces. hating every second that i spent investing my hope and love into characters that would inevitably squish the last bit of faith i had left in love.
but this evening, i watched the movie. and although it was, as all movies made from books are, not as good as the book, it allowed me the opportunity to accept the disappointment and to understand what exactly they were trying to tell me.
because. no matter how angry i was, i must admit that david nicholls and lone scherfig were not setting out to hurt my heart.
and i would be foolish to think that they were.
this story. illuminates ma raison d’etre. my reason to be.
the resounding power of passion. of great meaning. extraordinary love. and earth shattering sorrow.
the beautiful extremes. perfect difficulty. the fire that warms your soul as it simultaneously threatens to burn you.
this entire story was trying to show the beauty of opposites. and the strength of great love. the exceptional and the terrible.
and inevitably, it does.
and it reminds me that no matter how much it can hurt, the only life thats worth living is one with passion. (i hear its everything). its one with burning love. and crushing sorrow. with moments that steal a piece of your heart every time they pass. its eyes and hearts that carve a place into your world whether you would have ever wanted them to. its memories that sting every time they flash through your mind. and each second that you spend ardently creating those impressions.
and no matter how much you hate the remarkable way your heart aches. and the brilliant amount of feeling that could possibly be felt.
no matter how awful those moments can be. will be. their counterpart–their balance and the unbearable magnificence is what makes it seem worth it.
this story tore my heart out. betrayed me. abandoned me. and it couldnt do anything but.
and while it was devastating a piece of my soul, it was also reminding me of where i find my hope. how i feel most alive. in what way ill always choose to be. and thats with exceptional love.
and i would be sincerely foolish if i were to forget that with exceptional love also comes inescapable misery.
but its through both that we will inevitably find our hearts.
as you might have read, i have thought a great deal about loss, regret, heartbreak, yearning.
i ponder these subjects to such an extent because of the sheer magnitude of emotion that they bring to our lives.
but i realized that my words have been misunderstood. while i have faced a great amount of disappointment as a result of failed romantic attempts, i have found that romantic loss is only one of many sorrows that can grace our hearts. and often it is other miseries that reap the greatest suffering.
i feel that this understanding is often forgotten as we sort through heartbreak. our hearts are put in danger with any leap of faith. through any source of love. every moment we place our entire selves into the hands of someone else or something else, there is a chance of heartbreak. with every hope, desire, dream, there is the possibility that disappointment will ensue, that our souls will be damaged, that we will suffer.
but far too often, we forget that our hearts can be attached to such loves. that families, friends, and ideals can bring just as much passion, fulfillment, and heartache as romantic love.
finding our romantic soul mate has become a glorified pursuit and can damage our perception of every other aspect of life.
while i have felt fervor for a significant other, i have felt more completion from platonic love. while my heart has skipped a beat for those eyes, i have felt more alive through my drive for justice.
while my disappointment at the end of a once-could-be great love affair hurt so badly i couldnt sleep, i have never felt so much emptiness as the loss of my family.
but in the constant drive to find some romantic double, our one and only piece to our puzzle, we forget how important other aspects of our heart can be. we undermine the brilliance of personal development, of beautiful friendships, of our drive to better the world, of the connection of family.
in every moment that i speak of loss, of love, of desire, i have never had the intention to limit my understanding to romance. but instead strive to illustrate every aspect of the world. and of our hearts.
because in my eyes, i place value on every person, every idea, every moment that captures a piece of my self. and the greater that i love, the more permanent it becomes in my memories.
and the more potent and volatile the potential hurt will be.
the world is remarkable. with so many possibilities for love. and so many for pain. but the most devastating mistake would be to neglect any potential for love. to be remiss of any passion in our world.
and with my words i hope to capture each and every sensation that illuminates this understanding. and i hope to be read as such.
will always exist somewhere in our hearts.
February 28, 2012
i don’t believe feelings ever leave us.
once an emotion is felt, it imprints itself on our life through our memories. on the very definition of who we are.
at my will, i can recall any sensation that i have ever experienced.
and occasionally, one will invite itself into my present without permission.
but nevertheless, our feelings never fade.
sure, they might be less potent as they occupy less of our time.
but they are never forgettable.
somewhere, in my heart, a moment that was perfect, will always remain just as perfect.
and just as i will always be sad for the things that brought me hurt, i will always love those that i have loved
and in some ways, this reality forces us to be prisoners.
forever bound to our past.
but hopefully in others, this understanding provides unlimited wealth. with a vast array of memories within which to rejoice at any moment.
but right now, while i appreciate knowing that i have loved. part of me crumbles every time i remember each loss.
no matter how skilled we become at letting go of our hope, our sadness will always exist somewhere in our hearts.
and no matter how much time has passed, in some dark crevice of my soul will lie each smile and tear that ive attached to your memory.
theres always a way to win.
February 17, 2012
i think ive written about worth a few times. but there is something about this topic that keeps popping its head back into my life.
where do we find our self worth and why do we even need to define this worth? its not as if other animals are stumbling around trying to figure out exactly how much they should be valued.
after extensive contemplation into my own life. how i personally live. ive found that i define my worth to a great extent by how much i succeed.
i am a very. very. competitive person. not necessarily against other people. i dont need to be better than someone else in order to win. but i need to excel in the areas within which i personally value. i need to be the best that i can possibly be. always. i need to get that A. not that A-. but that A. i need to succeed within all of the aspects of my life. this is the source of my ambition. my determination. i know that i can always get there. theres always a way to improve. theres always a way to win.
one problem. however. is when this need to win crosses over into my personal life. while life might be a game in many ways, relationships shouldnt be. when im feeling vulnerable, however, my automatic response is to overcome that feeling. to be better than this craven image of myself. its easier to deal with intimidating situations analytically, without vulnerability, as a simple game of win or lose. This makes the situation a bit less scary. if theres always a way to win, i know that i will always find it.
but when we take the stance of power within relationships. any relationship. we dont really win. because somewhere along the way, we lose the ability to love. and this. love. is really the core, the depth, the beauty in relationships. but for us type aers out there…what does this mean? we cant break something down into a measureable concept? how can we really tell if something is valuable if we cant pull it apart and analyze it?
this is the question im working on.
especially when it comes to our self worth. because our own value of ourselves works the same way. although we dont often consider this, we’re in a relationship with ourselves. i didnt really think about this until cathe said it. but its true. and its also our most important relationship. like other interactions, our value cant accurately be measured. it isnt simple and it isnt black and white. its a complex mixture of greys, mistakes, failures, successes, traits, loves, and our life. we cant measure these things. there is no game. which means we cant win. but it also means that we cant lose.
irving, my dog, doesnt ask the world if he has value. because his value is a given. he has worth because he exists. it doesnt even occur to him to ask. yes. he also isnt aware of these concepts. but. still. maybe we should accept this mindset as well. do we have worth? if we exist, then yes.
for some of us, somewhere along the way, we were shown that we were valuable only within very particular circumstances. when we had power. when we succeeded. when we won. but. life isnt a game. there isnt a winner or a loser. and the people who exhibit this belief are misled. life is an arena within which we are able to exist. explore. create. and love. perhaps this is a more peaceful way to look at the world. to look at our lives. than through competition and success. And perhaps it will bring more worth.
shame.
January 20, 2012
ive been slowly learning exactly what this word carries. the weight that rests on each letter in this single syllable.
the desperation that it encompasses.
the isolation that it guarantees.
the inevitability of suffering that drowns the holders of this somber word.
and along with its definition, its implications–
the extent to which it can destroy your world.
when you wonder what people would think if they really knew how worthless you were. when you cant fathom how someone could love something so unlovable and if they believe they do, then you’re sorry, but they’re mistaken. they’re confused. they’re blind.
when you feel that your worth is so low that you are ashamed to need love. and the moment that you do, the moment that you find yourself begging for someone to love you, you want to run so far away from the world to be alone with your pathetic self.
you want to cry, but you also want to assure people that you can take care of yourself. that you have everything you need, and you wont be burdening them for anything–so not to worry.
and when i stop and realize how many people feel this way, feel so ashamed for wanting love, i want to hold the world and never let it go. because i also realize that the vast amount of this unique brand of shame is created by people feeling the weight of other’s excessive apathy.
so many people in this world truly cannot see outside of themselves to love someone else.
and because of this. i want to force people to forget themselves for just a moment and remember how to be compassionate. i want to badger them until they get over themselves and start loving people the way everyone should be loved.
i want the world to feel obligated to love. and to embrace that obligation instead of turning their lives into a self-obsessed pilgrimage to themselves.
i understand the reservations in this world against this expectation. but in no way do i condone the ill-forsaken manner with which the majority of people regard others.
it is not simply the selfishness that runs through the veins of every individual but the blatant lack of a compassion that so. many. people exhibit.
and my hatred for this realization boils so deeply because of the devastating implication of shame that ensue from this selfish level of apathy.
the shame that is created when someone is seeking compassion. is denied it and then is vilified for looking for it in the first place.
and it is this shame that plagues the world we live in.
it is this shame that forbids people from expressing their hearts. that discourages people from loving. that destroys the pockets of potential in so many individuals.
it is this shame that usurps hope from our world.
that forces people to wait for the next opportunity to realize that no one could ever love them.
that destroys our belief in trust and in connection.
that fosters our desperation and isolates our hearts.
this shame castrates our world
and in one quick syllable, it paralyzes our souls.
sunrise
January 1, 2012
I’m awake. I’m waiting for the sunrise. I beat it this morning.
I’m drinking the coffee I saved from yesterday but it’s a bit sickening because I’m still half asleep.
I didn’t sleep very well last night. I finished the book I was reading yesterday but didn’t get a chance to process it until…well. last night.
it broke my heart. terribly.
I don’t think I told you which book I was reading so for those of you who haven’t read it, I won’t spoil it.
i just wasn’t expecting what happened. and when the end finally came, I flipped through the pages looking for more. wishing that it weren’t the end. cursing the author for betraying me.
I know we can’t put expectations into books, almost as much as we cant into people. but I didn’t care. last night in my sleeplessness, I could and I did.
I didn’t want to believe in inevitable suffering. even if it came with inevitable love. it wasn’t fair. the missed chances. miscommunication. the mistakes. the moment when it all came together. and then the moment when it all fell apart. it always falls apart. and I didn’t want this. I wanted something good. but. it didn’t come.
the sun is starting to rise. which means its time to go find a ride to the next stop.
maybe the new day will bring about a new perspective for my disappointments.
